leap {of faith} day

that eventually all that practice and experimentation pays off

and you have something beautiful

you have created or captured

that in one afternoon

i could do this...

i made myself a watermark

it's just the right amount of cute

not because i am pretentious

but because i am proud of my work

59/365

i am not a fan of roller coasters

my favorite saying

why would i pay money

to feel something that 

i try hard to avoid

i don't like horror movies either

surprise there

i like my feet

safe and steady on the ground

i like to know where i am

and i don't like unexpected change

i like my comfort zone

sometimes i think about

traveling across the country, this world

making friends with strangers

watching the sun set on different landscapes

walking into a crowded room alone

too risky

all i want is a cup of warm tea

the sound of tales being sung accompanied by a guitar strum

friends and relations

to hear the laughter of my children

a wooded place to walk

a place to write my words

i am not a risk-taker

the only risk i would take  

would be for my daughters

my flesh and blood

i wouldn't hesitate or think twice

mother instinct

that would be the the only risk

i feel worth taking

being the lifeline for these girls

their need too much

to play chance with that security

but at the same time

 everyday

as they grow older

it feels like 

watching them walk out the door

and away from me

is the biggest risk of all

a risk i had no idea

was coming

when i held them 

so new, so small

and whispered

my promises to them

perhaps choosing 

to become a mother

was riskier than all the

other stuff put together

risking your heart 

every single day

58/365

sometimes you must forget everything else, your plans, the dishes, the state of the world

you must put a snail or a banana or a chicken on your head 

sometimes when they say with a half hour left before bedtime we're going to go play a game, instead of turning to the computer you say.....do you want to play with me?

and they rush upstairs and grab a game, a game you've never actually sat downed and played with them and you know it was the right choice

and you are having so much fun, that you are the one saying, one more time, one more time, knowing bedtime has come and is just about gone

and you are laughing, laughing so hard and everything else seems far away

you my little lovelies, you are my remedy

57/365

Just Now...

current date and time: 2.26.12 10:15pm

in my mug:  a glass of white wine, breaking the fast

in my belly:  spaghetti

in my ears: colin hay, "don't wait up" i want to marry his voice

out the window:  february bleakness.  driving down the road today i thought how ugly and barren it looked around here then realized it might look better when the green returns

on the editor: i finished editing the batch of carnation photos i took last weekend and they turned out so lovely i may make some cards out of them

last watched: my cousin's daughter Sarah in her last high school production of The Music Man, she played the mayor's wife and she was perfectly cast, the girls gasped in their seats when they saw her on stage all dressed up

feeling good about:  i had my girls all weekend and we had some really relaxing family time together

feeling bummed about: still feeling like i'll never catch up

by my bedside:  The Best of Friends, which i just finished and really enjoyed, getting ready to pick up and start Between Here and April next

new thing i love:  these Dear God letters, quite a few of them brought a little smile

56/365

this morning the girls were getting noisy

at 6:00 am in the great-big bed

and i said shhh....quiet please

i want to watch the morning come in peace

55/365

and Friday's post comes Saturday morning...
as I realize too late it's absence
my night was filled with the balm of nothing
sitting on the couch after work
feet up with a girl tucked under my arm
she watching a movie for a second time
and a good book in my hand


suddenly i realized this was the feeling
i have been yearning for
just this moment of being
of sitting still with a good book
and a sweet-smelling girl beside me

54/365

"Your identity is not equivalent to your biography 

...there is a place in you where you have never

 been wounded, where there is still a sureness in you, 

where there's a seamlessness in you and where there is

 a confidence and tranquility in you.  And I think the

 intention of prayer and spirituality and love is now

 and again to visit that inner kind of sanctuary".

--John O'Donohue

53/365

I appreciated this post from Susan Piver about today being the Tibetan New Year, this being the year of the dragon (which by the way was the theme of the card my mother used for the joint birthday party with my brother-talk about coincidences), and most importantly equanimity.


Lately I've lost my equanimity. Partly I believe because of the quantity of challenges and chaos going on in my household right now.  Partly because I've been letting too much negativity from around me take root in my psyche and partly, or most importantly, because I haven't spent near enough time in my yoga practice and in meditation.  I haven't given my mind time to stop processing and rest.


Susan compares equanimity to what a surfer takes to the ocean, as she says "the appropriate combination of focused intensity and easeful letting go".  I'm afraid lately I've been a little heavy on the "focused intensity" and much too lax on the "easeful letting go".


Last night, was one of the most off balance nights I've had in quite a long time.  Even more so lately I've felt out of balance in where my priorities lie.  I broke down pretty hard with my daughter who was having the worst robbery anxiety attack yet because of this imbalance I feel in areas of my life.  In essence, trying to give all these things priority had me exhausted, especially lately the mothering part.  There just seems to not be a right way to bring it all into cohesion.  To me this is disheartening because I started off the January 1st New Year with so much positive hope and light.  I would let come what came and be surprised by it.  I did not anticipate so much confusion and fear was going to be what came.  I was hoping for something a little more pleasant. There being the reason I chose not to set intentions for the year.  With expectation, comes, well, expectation.


So I am taking this day of the Tibetan New Year and starting again, a new cycle, and hoping that getting back to the mat will help make the difference in what I am inviting into my thoughts and my life. I am stuffing my bed tonight full of children in order to keep them close and hopefully make them feel safe and just maybe we may all enjoy a good night's sleep, something that has become rare in these parts.  I cannot control what my daughter is feeling.  I cannot control what I am feeling. But I can try to give us both the best tools we can use to deal with these emotions.  Perhaps my phrase for the new year today shall be as one of my favorite singers says: Come, let go.

52/365

just like that
she needs me
the wall breaks down
she lets go
starts talking
and sobbing on my shoulder
the two of us in pajamas
tucked under her sheets
she opens up
and lets out the frustration
something that i sigh in relief, is not so big
but to her it bears the weight of her world


oh my girl


i tell her that i can't fix it
but i can listen
always listen
and hold her tight
and help her find a way back
to giggles, to lightness


then she looked better
and felt better
and hopefully will sleep better


oh i hope that she will always
let me be here for her
even if it is irrational
or very confusing
or is the result of the swelling of
thousands of thoughts and emotions
or it takes four angry days to finally
set it free


i promise you
i promise you
i won't be perfect
i may say the wrong things
or not have anything to say at all
but i will always be.........
here
right here

51/365

She went out to play earlier this week and came back looking all Lord of the Flies with dirt smeared all over her face.  I have yet to figure what that was all about. It had some meaning because her sister said "you have dirt all over your face" and she "I KNOW".

After a full week of running scared into my room at night she called yesterday to ask if she could stay overnight with her two best friends.  I still have a hard time believing that she calls and says, "Hey Mommy, can I stay the night at Elizabeth's and can you bring....my sleeping bag, my pillows, my pink blanket, harold and puppy, my scary stories books, perfection, apples to apples and the pepto just in case".

I still half expected a call in the middle of the night.  She has always been the one to come home, has never wanted to spend the night anywhere besides my Mom's house though I know she feels comfortable with her friend since kindergarten and now here they are in the last leg of fifth grade.

Today she called at 10:30 and said, "Hey can I stay a little later, like until about 1:00pm".  It made my heart glad.  I am happy she has good friends and is carefree and having fun.  Her sister at home with me and surrounded by more dolls than I could count looked disappointed,  as the second-born, K has a difficult time in the role of "only child".  

It is beyond crazy seeing her grow up.  And as much as I enjoy seeing this freedom it is hard for me to watch her distance herself from me.  I know she still loves me.  On Saturday she curled up on my lap in the chair for close to a good hour, but those moments are less and less frequent.  She is a good girl, quirky, confident, well-mannered and kind. There is a special kind of wickedness she saves for me though in moments.  We went to the movies late this afternoon and as I leaned over to whisper something to her, she elbowed me and twitched and rolled her eyes.  I would have cried if I weren't so angry.  Then right there as the Supreme Chancellor who is really the evil Emperor was addressing the Senate (come on how many times really have we seen Star Wars) I said, "look at me right now" and I got the sarcastic "what???"  I closed my eyes behind my 3-D glasses and counted to ten (we were in a movie as it was) and about twenty minutes later she leaned over and said "thanks for bringing us to see this movie."  I knew this was her way of apologizing and I decided to leave it at that.

It is like having to learn about her all over again, reading her signs for tiredness, crankiness, moments of discomfort.  Now though she doesn't yowl for me to pick her up and hold her; now it's all dagger sarcasm and pushing me away.  She is in bed right now, over-tired from a late night, another in the succession of stomachaches and yet there is nothing I can do.  She wants and doesn't want me and it's up to me to figure out (and often get wrong) when I am wanted and when I am not.  

So go the days...

50/365

Just Now...

current date and time: 2.19.12 11:28 pm

in my mug:  an ice cold glass of milk

in my belly:  gingerbread, with the above

in my ears: barenaked ladies, snacktime , it's just boo and i tonight

out the window:  supposed to be snow, but we had blue skies and sunshine today, but yet, still...too....cold...

on the editor: photos i took of karelyn's carnations from her birthday this afternoon, they turned out really, really good because i took the time to set them up and use the right light

last watched: winnie-the-pooh, the most recent movie, curled up on the couch under a blanket together.  i never tire of winnie-the-pooh

feeling good about:  that ems felt comfortable enough to call and ask to sleep over at a friends.  for an evening alone with k. watching a movie, listening to music, playing games and eating gingerbread with a cold glass of milk

feeling bummed about: cold!!!!

by my bedside:  this book, which i am loving and of course my cell phone, should a call come in the night

new thing i love:  putting the sheets in the dryer right before i put them on the bed, we did that tonight, it was heavenly

49/365

she's woken up six out of the last seven nights
running into my room
a noise, a door shutting, voices
mommy, there's someone in the house
i'm not kidding i heard someone in the house
and she goes and hides herself in my bathroom
as i tiptoe to the end of the stairs
cell phone in hand
the 9 and the 1 already dialed
so there is only one more button to push
should i need it


each night i have walked downstairs to nothing
the dining room light still on
casting a glow into the kitchen
the television still on
it's flicker a warning in the living room
even if there is no sound, muted
these signs i have been leaving
in the last few months since the
night someone really did try to break in
kicking at our door,
voices calling to one another
there were three i have learned
i have three court dates in may
one for each that took my feeling
of security away


she doesn't know
she slept through everything
the beating on the door
the policeman when he came
the crime scene unit in the morning
she knows nothing of any of this
she thinks there were attempts
at houses up the road
as there were
our robbers struck four or five
other houses that night
we talked about a robbery plan
like a fire plan, or a tornado plan
for an emergency i had said
not that it would happen, likely not to
just like a fire or a tornado


so the first night we lay in my bed together
her little body rigid as stone
me on one side
her sister on the other
the three of us lay in bed together
and i told her
about the locks on the windows
and the two locks on each door
doors, so heavy and strong
that mommy checks twice each night
before bedtime
how it looks like someone is awake
in the night and how no robber would
want to come in a house
where they know someone was up and watching


and eventually she fell asleep
but i didn't
i have been there each night in bed
after she goes back to sleep
watching
and listening
to the pace of each car going by


because the night before this started for her
i had a dream
i was holding karelyn when my mom walked in the room
and i knew by her face something was wrong
and i said, in my dream, mommy what's wrong
and she said nothing but there was a great loud
knocking downstairs in the dream house
and i woke and didn't know if the knocking
was in the dream
or in my reality
and ran to the window and looked
darkness and mist
then a car came by
slow, creeping
paused by my driveway,
then paused again by my grandparents house
before going on up the road
then i was in bed worrying about us
and worrying about them
my grandparents who were already robbed for real
their mementos stolen and their security ripped from them


i don't like this place
i like the place of my childhood
when we didn't lock our doors at night
or even when we went away
the car left unlocked
and the sounds of your neighbors passing
didn't leave you fretful
just three years ago when we first moved
here, on this back country road
we camped out under the stars overnight
on the trampoline
now, i think i won't do that again


i don't want to know about all the
convenience stores
the pharmacies
the homes,
even our post office near work
being robbed


the school went to lockdown status
last month
because a man with a shotgun
robbed a gas station near the high school
miles from their own elementary


in my little town
my little rural town
i don't know it anymore
and i don't like it
but i keep trying to assure her
and wrap strong arms around her
even when i'm sleeping fretfully
with one eye and one ear open

48/365

{this moment}

47/365

i have two friends who i love for one reason
they knew me at the most outrgeously free season of my life
and they remind me that at one time i was daring
and i lived life fully with enthusiasm
and i took risks
and i was devilish,
and they make me feel that way again.


sometimes this role is overwhelming
so serious and so devoted
that i forget how to
put on a little black dress
let my hair down
and laugh in a crowded room


thank you, my friends
for holding my secrets
for keeping them safe
and
for reminding me every so often
of who i was
and who i became
and who i should be

46/365

when i'm fed up with this winter-but-not-really-winter

and the daily grind gets me down

i keep thinking about August

and the fact we are Nova Scotia bound

Colorado was nice last year

but Cape Breton Island is like home away from home.

45/365

emily made this boat on a whim.  it floats; she covered the bottom with tape. she took it to the bath with her.  she has no fear of creativity and inventiveness.  she just does.

it's hard to realize it when you are in the depths of it that you need those dark days.  i was reading a post by a fellow blogger who mentioned she felt bad whining about her woes when so many had it worse off then she does, but the truth is we all have our woes and as many have said here, speaking (or writing) them lifts some of the weight and gives them less power

i've come to realize that my dark days often come from three sources.

winter-not enough light in the day, not enough time outside, too much time inside, the cold which my nature does not take well too, dark gray days, and the sense one should be resting, rather than pushing through

hormones-any woman after a span of time knows her body.  i know mine and i know that there will be one or two days every month where i will be able to not do anything right, forgetting even the basic things, feeling irrational, overwrought, short-tempered, negative and fretful.  my best plan for those days is to realize what it is and be gentle with myself. some months that is easier to do then others. this month was not one of them.

spending too much time in the past/future-  you cannot change the past, the future has not happened, best to stay in the present.  i cannot go back and make other choices, nor should i belittle myself for them.  i made the best decisions i could at the time.  regret is a difficult place to reside.  in the future i know what i want and i'm hoping for  a way to get there, but not enjoying the present and it's gifts would be a shame. 

there are times when the big blue sky turns gray, to deny it would be to take something away from it's beauty.  i am grateful for dark days, so that i may enjoy the light when it comes.  i had decided last year that i wanted to get a tattoo for my fortieth birthday.  i almost had talked myself out of it, but have decided again, yes this is what i want.

one word

scrolled upon my foot 

to look down upon as i walk barefoot

reach in a yoga stance

or just as i sit meditative 

annica (अनित्य):  one of the essential doctrines of Buddhism, regarding impermanence, existence is always in a state of transformation,  being accepting of change and willing to shift and find balance. all life changes and transforms into something else, a seed sprouts, a leaf grows, then falls and decomposes and enriches new life.

and perhaps if i don't pass out from that one

this one

shakti:  the Hindu divine feminine source of all, of which there is no beginning or end, her energy moves through periods of motion and rest, creating order and restoring balance.