wish upon a star

i have a new mantra

it goes a little something like this

i've put to rest and made peace with the failure of my first post-divorce romantic relationship.

one that i said i would never do not so long ago and one i did not take lightly.

last summer i wished upon a shooting star on a Nova Scotia night.

the wish i made was for someone to come along to love me and my girls.

i don't want to think that perhaps i was wrong in believing that wish came true soon after.

that a year later i would realize that it was not what i had thought.

i think the wish was a prayer...

that wish being like a prayer they say is answered, but in a way you did not quite expect.

in the almost four years since my divorce down deep in the messy part of my heart i felt that our life was incomplete without a husband/father.

as if i was denying my children the wholeness of a family of four. that we were somehow lacking.

i found something that turned out not to be sufficient and the wish, the prayer, the lesson i learned was this.

we are not incomplete.  we do not need another person to make this family meaningful.

we are an amazing family right here, right now, the three of us girls.

strong, loving, committed to one another.

i don't need to wish for someone else to complete us.

we complete ourselves.

just now: 10.30.11

current time:  8:08 p.m.

in my mug:  King Cole Tea from Nova Scotia, with milk and honey

in my belly:  Italian vegetable soup

in my ears:  "Big String"  Corey Harris

out the window:   soggy earth, thawing out yesterday's surprise snowfall

on the editor:   snow pictures, how about that???

last watched: The Amazing Race with the girls, it's a weekly ritual now.

feeling good about:  it's been of a slump this weekend, i'm blaming it on hormones, perhaps the beauty of a pre-season snowfall with nowhere to go but curl up on the couch with a blanket and watch.

feeling bummed about:    hormones, lol

by my bedside:  The Essential Dalai Lama

making me think:  how sometimes when i am not in a good frame of mind even the simplest of tasks can seem overwhelming?  why is that?

{this moment}

{this moment}

 A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

acceptance

i know that the spots i'm noticing on my face are from hundreds of sun-kissed days
the lines around my mouth, my eyes, are from hours upon hours of laughter
that extra bit of tummy that i carry with me is what remains from growing my beautiful girls
the sag of my breasts is a gift to my daughters, that nourished and comforted them
and the breadth of my hips allowed me to carry them with me wherever i went
the spread of my thighs is my maternal gift from women who hold the knowledge of
the way a table and nourishing food can bring a family together in celebration
and the genetics of those same women I love most of all
but the gray hairs that keep coming, i don't know whether to just accept them
or banish them away

sometimes i look in the mirror and wish the spots weren't there
hopelessly wait for my bottom half to equate even some sort of proportion to my upper half
wish my breasts were back where they belonged
consider a few hours at the hairdresser so the increasing grays don't make me feel old

the women i love have these things
they have lines, they have wrinkles
they have gray or errant hairs
they wear their weight in the middle
but when i am with them
i don't notice so much their size, their features
i notice their happiness and their fears
these are the women i look up to, find comfort in
and despite the sigh of watching myself grow older
i am proud to join their company.

wordless wednesday: your pal,

Positively Tuesday: Life Is Short

(seen on From London With Love)

Happy Tuesday.

Tuesday is my roughest day of the week.

On Tuesday, I share something I've found on Pinterest or on my web travels that inspires a positive feeling.  Usually it will tie into the mood I'm feeling during the week or a bit of advice I need for myself.  I hope it brings a smile to your day as well.

If you've found something in the course of your travels that lifted you up or brought a smile to your face, please feel free to share in the comments below.

I try as often as possible to credit the original creator on my posts.   If I cannot find it, I usually will link to the source I found the image from.  The photos you see on Positively Tuesday will usually not be my own.

deciding to write.

i want to be a writer.

i woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. it is monday of course, who wants to get out of bed on Monday morning.

i didn't want to go to work.  i wanted to stay home and write.  in my pajamas with a cup of tea. after the girls went to school.  a blog post, something about friends, age, wisdom, the color of the sky.  a poem a few phrases, a diatribe that went on and on, another email to a friend.  i seem to have a lot of words.

i'm not saying i can be a writer.  i'm just saying i want to be a writer.

to be a writer i will have to start using capital letters and correct grammar again.

to be a writer i will have to actually write, consistently.

today i was on a blog about writing, writing small bits of moments.

someone said something about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).

i've always considered NaNoWriMo.

but i don't think you can write a true novel in 30 days so that bothers me.  you couldn't birth a baby in 30 days, they need time to grow and evolve. but you could surely flesh out a really good draft in 30 days, get the bulk of it written.  and i think that 50,000 words might not cut it for my story.  i think a true novel might be a bit longer.  i have 12,000 words written and i feel like i've barely skimmed the surface.

i have an outline, all my main characters fleshed out and a passion for this story.

it's already there.  i just need to continue to put the words on the page.

i have a three day weekend and ten days vacation in November.

i work so much better on a deadline.

perhaps it's time?

i'm not aiming for novel.  i'm aiming for rough draft.

and i'm tired of writing aimlessly in circles hopping from project to project.

so i'm doing it.

just now: 10.23.11

(post-party today)

current time:  8:05 pm

in my mug: warm tea with honey

in my belly:  a chocolate cupcake leftover from the party last night 

in my ears:  bits of the Halloween party playlist:  Monster Mash, Ghostbusters, Purple People Eater, Thriller, Love Potion #9, Weasley Wizard Wheezes, This Is Halloween, Jump In Line, Scooby Doo, The Addams Family

out the window: sunshine and magnificent warmth for a late October day.

on the editor:   obviously Halloween party photos

last watched: Iris, want to talk about true love, Jim Broadbent & Judi Dench, superb.

feeling good about:  falling back into a peaceful rythmn with myself again.

feeling bummed about:  my grandmother having to have back surgery, she's worried.

by my bedside:  The Sunday New York Times, I splurged

making me think: thinking of simplifying again, every time my life gets complicated, i turn around and try to simplify.

{this moment}

(apple butter festival)

calling

she talks in her sleep.
more often than i knew of before she slept in my room
it starts the same way always...."mommy....."
my heart loves that when she calls out-she calls out for me
of all the things i've been called
this is the one i love the most.

wordless wednesday: fall weekend

ten and twenty

The year was 1991.

I had just completed my first successful year at college.
I would fail and drop out the next year.
I just quit going.
When I told them I was going to class, I hid instead in the library.
I don't know what I was scared of?
I think perhaps I just didn't know where or who to be,
too scared to tell my parents I felt lost and confused.

I had a lot of secrets then.
Secrets in hindsight I wish I had shared.
Listening now, the songs on Ten were angry.
We were all angry and melancholy then.
My parents loved me through everything.
Every time I made a mistake, they helped me through it.
I must have torn my mother's heart out.
I wish I had trusted them more with my sadness and fears.
Even then I knew how to put on my brave face
telling no one I was falling apart inside.
I carried this habit into adulthood
only recently shouting my discontent from the rooftops,
perhaps annoying, but freeing just the same.
A hard lesson that took a long time to learn.

For me Pearl Jam was all Eddie Vedder,
moody and beautiful,
a melancholy drone of a voice,
all his emotions right there.
I wanted someone like him,
shaggy haired and beautiful,
his thoughts and feelings worn on his sleeve,
not afraid to speak his mind
about the injustices of the world.
His voice still gets me years later.
There was no one here like that back then
and I think I am still looking for
a man like that today.

I plugged Ten into my headphones and listened to it
the whole 2300 miles in the car to Nova Scotia
on family vacation that year.
Carved the photo below in the sand of the Canadian beaches
along with the little man
remember him?

I knew the documentary was coming out.
20.
Twenty years later.
I listened to Ten again tonight.
It was hard to believe all the emotions it brought back.
How we have music that is the soundtrack to our lives.

There is so much I wish I could have told my nineteen year old self.
So many things I would have warned her about.
Big things that were coming and would change her life forever.
It is amazing what can happen in twenty years.

just now: 10.16.11

it's fall.  officially now i feel it.  i woke up this morning to karelyn's cries.  she'd  had a bad dream about not being able to rescue her sister.  this is where she is right now and so we are in it together; she sleeping now with me every night.  some people would poo poo this notion but i have reached that point in my life where i realize it's just not about what other people would do it's about what works for me.  and this works for us.  i have a big comfy cozy king size bed and it's just me there, well, sometimes the cat, but i often try to shoo her away as her winter coat comes in and she leaves her imprint on the sheets behind her, so there is plenty of room.  i am thinking we should be through this at least by the time she's sixteen and is dying for her privacy.

so we woke this morning roughly about 7:00 a.m, to her sobbing.  i tucked her into my arm, smoothed her hair under my cheek and kissed her head.  usually she is all over the bed, waking somewhere in the middle, no covers.  but this morning she wanted cuddled and we enjoyed the quiet.  from my right bedroom window i could see the most beautiful view of the field across the road from us.  i am lucky this way.  this morning there was a beautiful fall light, the sky was slightly tinged with pink and i saw fall there before us.  the cows were all lying (i'm hoping truly not meaning rain, for we plan to hike the nature reserve today) the corn has died off to a dried whitish-tan, the trees on the back side of the field have just begun to show their true colors and as we lay there i heard three sets of geese fly overhead, calling to each other and anyone else who wanted to come along for the ride.

emily joined us not long after that and i asked if they had been noticing the flocks of birds lately.  conversation ensued about migration.  this is the time of year we see them on their journeys.  this is the time when you see them in great waves heading towards new homes.  to me fall always seems to mean new beginnings, perhaps because it has always been marked by the start of a new school year, or perhaps because i began my new life here in this home during the fall season or perhaps because i am now again in fall, re-thinking it again.

whatever the reason, fall seems to me the place to start.  fall means comfort.  it means warm blankets and bundled sweaters.  it means the oven will be on more and we will find more time in the kitchen, cooking and baking.  fall means we will spend more time exploring the world around us and bringing what the earth has shed indoors to remind us how wonderful this greater home we have is.

right now i'm relishing the quiet of sunday morning with nowhere to be.  the girls are still upstairs. the house still maintains it's simple sparseness from yesterday's cleaning.  the dog and i have just returned from a walk, the teapot is screaming in the other room.  after i finish typing this i will go to the kitchen, find the new baked oatmeal recipe to try this morning and crack open the new jar of apple butter from yesterday's apple butter festival.  we will eat together as we do every sunday morning, today reminded of the men diligently stirring the great pots of apples and the smell of woodsmoke that clung to our clothes all day yesterday as we visited crafter and artisans exhibiting what their hands and their hearts have made, wooden bowls, paintings, pottery, cheese, honey, scarves, each one loving their craft so much as to take time to show the girls their pottery wheel, their bees, their spinning wheels and looms.

my thoughts and this post are full of random musings, full of the excitement of looking inward both in my home and in my thoughts, continuing this journey we are making through another round.  before we know it winter will be here and my thoughts will probably turn darker and more sorrowful; they always do.  perhaps because of the cold that i detest or the lack of light.  today on the way in the door i counted to myself how many months i will have to bear winter.  so i aim to soak up the right now and prepare for our time indoors.  i have laid the groundwork for some beginnings for this winter, a quilt i want to make, a book i want to begin, the way i want to celebrate my 40th birthday next march, to celebrate the end of winter and the beginning of the next stage of my life.  i have reinvented myself so many times on this journey that right now i feel i am pulling in the last of what i need to get through the winter, to prepare myself for the cocoon i will spin myself into, and to think what might result on the other side of the time spent inside my home and inside myself.

we will be off exploring today, tonight i will return and complete....

Just Now 10.16.2011

current time:  9:20 p.m.

in my mug: New Castle Brown Ale

in my belly:  leftover friday night vegetable fried rice takeout

in my ears:  "mountain", Peter Davison, from Meditate

out the window: crisp air that you can actually taste, ran out to add some more nesting material for the rabbit's cage

on the editor:   photos from today's hike at the nature reserve

last watched: "Away We Go", one of my favorite movies, ever

feeling good about:   how my girls not only picked great best friends, but best friends with great moms to hang out with as well

feeling bummed about: how weekends seem to go too fast. there seems never enough time to do all we want to do.

by my bedside: the latest issue of Whole Living magazine

making me think:  how the change in seasons can change your whole attitude and mood


p.s. if you made it this far into the post.  last Sunday i posted about finally purchasing the book Super Natural Every Day by Heidi Swanson.  For our Sunday morning breakfast we tried the baked oatmeal and it may become our new favorite fall/winter breakfast, photos on my weekend update over on Notes Across The Sea.

{this moment}

(sunday breakfast)

once upon a time.

once upon a time there was a girl.  she lived in a different kind of place.  her family was falling apart.  her father had very serious problems and her mother was fading away from the reality of too much.  she had anxiety attacks and became obsessive-compulsive.  she washed her hands raw and became afraid of a lot of things.  she tried to find control in a world where she had none.  

then things changed.  her life became more stable.  the tension and depression around her was relieved.  she became surrounded with a lot of love, her darkness turned to light.  she has not had an anxiety attack since she left the old situation.  she sings all day long, sometimes badly, but she is singing.  she has great friends, she loves life.  she no longer worries and the type of control she attempts to express involves rolling her eyes about picking up her things.  she smiles a lot and she has this crazy loud woodpecker giggle.

once upon a time there was another girl.  she was very young when her world changed.  she did not know as much of her surroundings as the other girl.  when her life changed she did not understand why.  she missed what she didn't know she didn't really have.  this girl was angry with her mother, she still does not understand why her father is not here all the time and she craves that more than anything. she frets that her mother may not always be here for her but she loves her mother with a ferocity that shocks them both.  this girl is having a rough time as life begins to appear more realistically around her.  most of the time she is a very happy girl. she loves fully, she feels greatly and she soaks in all the emotions around her.  this girl requires additional attention, for whatever reason she needs the extra reassurance.  this girl has developed some problems of her own.  the medical doctors cannot find a reason for the problems. her mother is relieved of this but a little concerned for her emotional well-being.  

but then the mother remembered the story of the other sister.  the mother remembered that sometimes little girls do not know how to express their fears. the mother decided that she will not make a big deal about the problem.  if it persists she will follow up, but she may just give it time to heal on it's own; that perhaps what the girl needs is not a new glasses prescription but freedom of expressing her anger, her anxiety, her disappointment.  most days this little girl smiles, she hugs, she loves, she plays.  sometimes she's short-tempered and emotional, but the mother knows this girl will make it too.  

once upon a time there was a woman who became a mother.  when her babies were placed in her arms she had no idea where the journey would take her.  the mother never would have guessed she would be where she is today.  she has been taught a lot of lessons along the way.  the biggest lesson the mother learned was that love heals all wounds, that love is the greatest power on earth and that the time will come when her love will be enough for both of them.

wordless wednesday: ground level

Positively Tuesday: Unhappiness

I'm working through the situations

Tomorrow should bring some insight

Until then....keeping perspective

Am finding out that

friends=love

filling up holes in the heart

i got caught up in my own drama
let my anxious heart lead me around a little too much
i couldn't stop thinking about the ache i felt
in my stomach and my chest
how you could be someone's everything in one moment
and then not in the next
cut off and angry
even though i know this is what in the long run i need

then one of my closest friend's mother died
i listened to her talk
about having to pick out her funeral clothes,
her mama's.
she said, i just didn't think i would have to do this
it's all so soon and
it has to be done so fast

then my little one started seeing double
has balance, no pain, she's still happy
and going about her routine
just seeing two of everything
the optometrist says her eyes look fine
maybe muscular, maybe neurological
he made an emergency appointment
with a specialist tomorrow

i did not tell my friend
the one who lost her mother
this morning when we talked
though we share just about everything
and so instead i said
your hair looks nice
at the service tonight
because her mother always fussed over her hair
and she said how is your little one
someone else had told her
and she wanted to give me names of specialists
because this is what we do
when we care

someone said to me that it's a shame
to have so much going on at once
but it's a reminder that this is life
and this is what happens

and just when you want to
drown yourself in your own sorrow
there is someone else
who needs tended
needs healing
needs your stability and your hand
and that is where your heart needs to be

even when you feel the loss of one person in your heart
there are always many more
who are always there, always waiting
to fill it back up

just now: 10.9.11

(me sitting on my grandparent's porch step visiting this afternoon)

Just Now…

current time:  11:07 p.m.

in my mug: no mug tonight.  too tired to go downstairs and heat up tea.

in my belly:  red pepper hummus with pita, olives and feta, meatloaf and mashed potatoes, it was a comfort food kind of night, also a new tea/wine blend from a local vineyard, Paradocx

in my ears:  "waiting for my real life to begin", Colin Hay.  i love Colin Hay's voice.

out the window: cool starry night after a warm almost summery day

on the editor:   breakfast, the first signs of fall, and my little family and my grandparents on their porch today.

last watched: Leaves of Grass, Edward Norton and the amazing Edward Norton

feeling good about:   the wonderful relationship i have with my mother

feeling bummed about: disappointed with no answers, feeling betrayed and wanting to hide my heart

by my bedside: Super Natural Everyday, Heidi Swanson, this is a most amazing cookbook

making me think:  i will not have another relationship while my children are growing, they are too vulnerable, my focus must remain on them and this happy little life we have built for ourselves, surrounded by the warmth and love of our family like no other.

{this moment}

{this moment}

 A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

p.s.  My friend Debbie in London and I are continuing our habit of comparing and sharing our lives across the sea this Friday with a brief 10 things about ourselves, pop over if you wish.

i know you

i know you

but sometimes i forget
i forget how pretty blue your eyes are
i forget how your hair falls down across
your back in spirals when it is tended to
i forget how your smile coaxes more from others
how your laughter fills up a room
i forget how much you care
how your heart fills up so easily
and how strong, oh so very strong you are
i forget how you deserve more than you give yourself
how you are always trying to do, be, give more
i forget that you are harder on yourself than
you would ever be on anyone else around you

i forget that inside you lies a well
full of patience, of understanding, of bliss
and that the source itself is always there
waiting to fill you up
i forget sometimes the peace that lies
in knowing how infinitesimally
perfect you are right now
at this very moment
just as you are

it is here
that i find you
the one who is always here
but sometimes gets lost

myself

wordless wednesday: fall arrives

Positively Tuesday: be super

(found on Pinterest, wish could give credit to where credit is due, i love this)

I've been devoting myself to positive practice this last week.

A full week of devoting time to myself on the yoga mat.

A week devoted to enjoying our moments at home.

A week trying to remind myself I am great.

Just now, right now, just the way I am.

I love when I come across positive messages in my travels.

Tuesdays are my roughest day. Up early and hectic day.

So I've decided to post one of these each Tuesday.

For myself, and for anyone else who needs it.

to my girl,

never, ever forget how wonderful the earth feels beneath your feet

i hope you always prefer to be barefoot
even when your mother is calling
put your shoes on, it's too cold
because really, i understand

just now: 10.2.11

(woke up to find a concert happening on the floor in the dining room)

Just Now…

current time:  8:47 a.m.

in my mug: first morning cup of tea

in my belly:  nothing yet, so will tell you about dinner last night, local mushroom soup, pearl couscous with almonds, apples and cranberries and pumpkin cheesecake for dessert

in my ears:   "Kryptonite", 3 Doors Down

out the window: light, misty rain 

on the editor:  photos of teepee building yesterday

last watched: Prime Suspect, had to check it out.

feeling good about:   fall weekends, so much goodness packed inside

feeling bummed about: more rain, i mean it's been neverending

by my bedside: The Ninth Wife, Amy Stolls

making me think:  why i ever sometimes think i need more than what i have right now, i am blessed with a fantastic life.