this moment: more visitors

lessons given.

She has been wanting to start karate.
She's fascinated by it.
After a demonstration at the library
she seemed to have a knack for it.

We found a place.
I took her.
The first night she was on the fence
but wanted to try again.
After two nights
I could tell she didn't feel completely comfortable.
It was a mixed belt class.
She wasn't always told what or how she should be doing it.
She watched the other kids and did what they did.
She moved like a rock star.

After the class I said well.....
And she said, no I don't want to do it.
I said I'm so proud of you honey, you did such a fantastic job.
You were so good.

She turned and she said...

Well just because I don't like it doesn't mean I'm not going to try my hardest.

Who is teaching who?

We're going to keep looking for karate schools.

wordless wednesday: a favorite visitor

releasing emotion.

i wish i wasn't such a jumble of emotions
i wish i could speak using less words
i wish my sensitive nature didn't take things so personally
and i wish i could understand that not everyone
exudes kindness and let it go

i wish that love didn't mean
that you had to make your heart so vulnerable
and that the people you love most
don't get caught in the cross hairs
i wish i had all the answers
and none of the questions

but in and of it all
i am reminded of my ferocity
that no longer do i not speak my mind
no longer do i let things cry foul
i just accept the anger or discomfort
and send it on it's way
and pray forgiveness for those
that get caught in it's path

i've been on my mat everyday this week
sometimes in the early morning before the sun has risen
other times in the quiet of night

today i read about savasana
my favorite pose
it's very nature deceiving
looking easier to master than it is

and it's been my balm this week
as i work through emotion
push past pain
and acceptance

to find that moment where it all goes away
left with your breath
and the moment
where in the space of that time
nothing is wrong
with the world
with myself
all is peace
and love
curled there in my body
and i realize
that within myself
lies all that i really need
a great big gift from the universe




from yoga journal:
october 2011
heavenly rest

*Savasana (Corpse pose) is a lot more than just lying on the floor.
*Many teachers consider it to be the most important asana, because this quiet, humble pose can bring you closest to the true spirit and goal of yoga, the realization that you are a part of something larger than your individual self
*By lying down down and resting after practising asana you can experience what teachers call Presence or Being-that quality of awareness is not dependent on your external circumstances, your body type, your personality or your activities, but that simply is-the part of you that is present when your body and mind have temporarily "died" from the duties and pleasures of daily life.
*We allow ourselves to die a little bit -we let go of our worldly personas and our endless worries and to do lists and just connect with the source of life within.

And after reading the column, I have to say that I disagree, I think Corpse pose should definitely be called "Deceased on the Outside but Still Rockin' on the Inside"  pose.

Yep.

just now: 9.25.11

current time:  6:17 p.m.

in my mug: big glass of water, dehyrdrated

in my belly:  handcranked potato chips and three pieces of funnel cake  (not my best day)

in my ears:   "no good with faces"  jack johnson, fitting my mood this weekend

on the nightstand: a broken pair of sunglasses, a metal bee bookmark, my hearts in a shell, a dollar bill, and a pen

on the editor:  photos from the harvest festival today

last watched: the new episode of Fringe, good but a little let down, it's like starting all over.

feeling good about: a beautiful day spent with some good friends and the kids

feeling bummed about: it's Sunday night already....already.

last thing that made me laugh: karelyn giving ed a hard time over the computer, such a little flirt

and think: how the most mature, responsible, honest and enjoyable relationship i've ever had is stuck with what must be a million miles between us.

{this moment}

{this moment}

 A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

fall to do list.

*things to do*

fall 2011

press leaves

fill K's nature box

photograph, photograph, photograph

make applesauce

make apple butter
drink apple cider

start baking again

make more soup

take lots and lots of walks

go to the renaissance festival

have a halloween party
go to the harvest festival

roast vegetables again

start Christmas gifts

Wordless Wednesday: Little Bits of Nova Scotia

seeing without color.

i have fallen slowly in love with black and whites
over the course of the last year i have watched photographs explode in the absence of color

mood evoking
bringing out darkness and light
harsh contrast and sudden softness

small portions of the world sometimes passed by unseen revel in their grandeur
and grand scenes pull us into their grasp more easily

some of my favorite moments are best seen in black and white
emotions seem to spring forth from the page
and you are looking far beyond the moment itself

without the distraction of the other parts of the scene
the moment itself, makes itself known more clearly

as i have grown and taken more photos
i find it easier to know which ones hold this special magic

i prefer portraits that are captured in the moment
when adult, child or beast does not know the photo is coming
when you can catch that very essence of what lies within

my children know me and my camera pretty well by now
they know it is always lurking
but sometimes still i can catch them when they least expect it
steal a little bit of their true nature

now i work from several angles
exploring the many ways that you can illuminate those moments
never having known before how many shades of gray there really are

when i first began doing portraits of myself
i took the color out to hide all my self-perceived imperfections

what i did not realize was that sometimes

these became my favorite photos for other reasons

not that they hid who i thought i was

but with the freedom of taking them
and the distraction gone
i found my true self in them
and like all good photos they became my favorites
because they reflected who i was
just as much as any words can say

what do i want out of my photographs?
i want to see what is true
i want to feel that with no words
the moment,
the mood,
the true nature,
is reflected honestly
and sometimes
seeing
comes from
not seeing what is there
on the surface after all.

{this moment}

{this moment}

 A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

restless.

I've been  both tired and restless lately.  Cannot seem to stay focused on one project.  Everything is half-done.  Groceries half put away.  Dishes halfway done.  Chore charts halfway created.  Magazine binders halfway put away.  A workout halfway complete.  Halfway to a nap.  Sometimes I think I need a mother here to keep me on task.  Finish those dishes!  Then I remember I AM the mother.  

Right now it's 10:28 p.m and I'm writing this in bed with my eyes teasing shut.  

I have just finished my post over at Notes, my correspondence with my friend Debbie in England.

The trash has been taken out.  The catbox cleaned.  The homework complete and checked.

I ate an English Muffin for dinner. 

Sometimes it is better to count the things that are done rather then the things left undone.

Perhaps the problem is that I am feeling undone.

Half committed to work.

Half the energy needed to mother.

And then there is the other bit.

Half a yogi.

Half a writer.

Half a photographer.

Halfway involved in relationship.

Perhaps that whole feeling is coming.

Perhaps as I've been sensing this is the preparation.

On the edge of becoming whole.

Or simply on the edge of becoming.

Wordless Wednesday: Another of Annabelle

it's just me.

(sitting framed on my floor, waiting to be hung)

it's been a bit since i wrote anything about myself.
the feelings i have about my girls,
about what surrounds me on the back path
seem easy compared to writing about what i'm feeling.

there was a time, about five years ago, that i was surrounded by depression and darkness.
there was little confidence and not much hope for life.
stuck.

now the world is a different place.  what surrounds me feels both light and free.
but sometimes that darkness tries to creep back in.
when i'm tired.  when i'm frustrated.  when my back hurts and i can't take one more request for the day.

it seems i feel things pretty sincerely and pretty deeply as well.
it is one of those things that i think makes me a good writer, makes me a good mother,
makes me a good person.

most days i'm just tired.
but some days i'm mixed up.
not knowing how to feel about raising
these strong-willed young girls.
doubting if i'll ever make a creative success.
cursing the daily routine that sucks away the hours for
writing, photographing, dreaming, becoming.
then there is that man 2,000 miles away.
most days i know what to think of him.
and other days i can't bear to think about it.

life, so fragile, so delicate.
a balancing act.
no dark, no light.
no up, no down.
no smiles, no tears.
no happiness, no pain.
no surety, no doubt.

ask me how i am?  depends on the hour.
up and down.
as another says, ride the waves of life.

I did some updating at Notes Across The Sea this week and added a page about what I love: links, websites, but more importantly these little things.  these little things that weather the storm, that get me through, that make me feel more complete.  what would i do without them?  and how grateful am i that i was going to start at ten and could hardly stop.......

 some random things i love:

the music of Jack Johnson

the color blue (any shade)

forests of many trees

almond extract

nowhere to be in the morning

a fluffy cat

the smell of woodsmoke

birds nests

honey

J.K. Rowling and the world of Harry Potter

British Country Living magazine

yoga

deep dark chocolate

big steaming cups of tea

autumn leaves

Paul Newman

my mother's house

a book I can't put down

good children's book illustrators

when writing flows easily

bono

red wine

my family

pasta and bread

bare feet

long skirts

the sea

{this moment: painting}

{this moment}

 capturing a moment from the week

A simple, special, extraordinary moment

A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Wordless Wednesday: playtime

monday morning.

there's a low hum on the back path this morning
likely not cicadas, their sound is higher, in the trees
not crickets, for i can hear them in the background        
at this point i wish for an audio field guide,
a field guide for insect song.
oh, now wouldn't that be lovely
i might bring it out as a respite in the middle of a chaotic day.

the scent of mushrooms
they are everywhere
all sorts and sizes and varieties,
great hairy ones growing up amongst the starry night moss
the dog quite interested in those
but pulled short of them.
the air carries that familiarly
gruesome yet oddly satisfying smell of mushrooms in the woods,
post rains.

the leaves lie in clumps still in the path,
washed together by the storm creek
that ran rapidly along
long enough for puddle jumpers to enjoy
on a tropical storm day
and now is gone.

now they lie crunched together in masses
clogged perhaps by a great stick
that holds them dammed together.
acorns are everywhere
ones taken before their time
that lie green or malformed
on the path
waiting for the squirrel
or a small hand
to come along and examine them.

but where are the squirrels?
my sister asked only yesterday
they seem to have gone into hiding
perhaps the great storm scared them off
into some woodland storm cellar
and they have not yet returned.
perhaps they are holed up underground
feasting on tea and nutcake
stroking their tails
and having a right good time
too happy or too anxious to return.

but a mosquito has bitten me square on the back
dastardly mosquito, ruiner of all good walks,
time to head back in
i hear the call of the girls running down the porch steps
eager to begin this great gift of an extra day at home.
the quiet, the calm, the still
never lasting too long
when there is trouble to be made.

updating

i took this late afternoon/early evening and dedicated it to blog reading which in turn became updating my blog links here on the link love page.  after fighting with myself over a format and a lot of research on un- underlining links and then losing part of the changes i'm about half-way there.

i found out a few things, during this process.

i prefer picking through this list rather than through a reader.

no one i'm fond of has a blog that starts with the letters K N Q V or X, Y, or Z.

i'm quickly tired of blogs that are offering me a bevy of e-courses and promises no matter how creative.

my cat likes to steal pens.

i owe apologies to all these wonderful bloggers putting themselves out there for not commenting; there's not often time.

and little girls can only entertain themselves so long before it's "mommy, can you...".

i've also sworn that over this long lazy weekend i'm going to read again the complete Chronicles of Narnia.  you can see how far i've gotten.

{this moment} 9.1.11

{this moment}

 capturing a moment from the week

A simple, special, extraordinary moment

A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

one on one

mother-daughter dinner and walk

her kind of food

locally grown

and we watched the sailboats as we ate

no camera at her request

but had my phone of course

sleeplessness

one hundred miles an hour until sleep
then she stops
horrid nights
tears and anguish
clutching hands, worryaches
perhaps it is being eight
perhaps she will always need reassurance
perhaps i will never know what it is like
to sleep alone again.