across the sea.

"Each friend represents a world in us,

a world possibly not born until they arrive,

 and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

sometimes you meet people and you like their smile.

and how they are humble and learning, and striving

in a way you are too.

meet my friend Debbie, she lives across the sea.

and we are commiting to a habit and sharing our correspondence.

first with introductions, then our own words and photographs.

we're calling it our....

 Notes Across The Sea

vacation.

so this is it.  we leave in the a.m.

it's 10:31 p.m. right now.

girls are having trouble sleeping, nervous and excited.

first airplane trip for them.

they will eat breakfast in Maryland, lunch in Texas and dinner in Colorado.

it's going to be quiet here at home and here in this space while we are gone.

but i'll be back next week with photos.

but i'm still up to something.....

check back on Monday,

a new project.

crossing miles & counting days

it's been  57 days for us.

but it's been 148 days for them, since Christmas.

i wonder if they are going to let him go long enough for me to steal a moment

or if i will just be the fourth wheel.

three more days to go.

long distance relationships seem to be all about the counting.

even more so for little girls who have made him their own.

humankind.

I don't care if you are rich or poor.

I don't care if you are Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Pagan, Buddhist or disgruntled Atheist.

I don't care if you are young or old.

I don't care if you have a college degree or never finished school.

I don't care if your skin is white, black, olive or somewhere in between.

I don't care if you love someone who looks too much the same as you.

I don't care if you love someone who looks too different.

I don't care if you are Republican or Democrat.

I don't care who you voted for.

Just show me that you are kind.

You can be rich, poor, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Pagan, Buddhist, Atheist, old, young, educated, illiterate, white, black, brown, olive, gay, straight, biracial, Republican, Democrat....

If you are kind and generous.  If you live your life thinking of others as you do yourself.

I call you friend.

And you make this world a better place.

Let us forget those who only see the differences.

"Humankind"

That is both who we are, and the directions on how to live our lives.

Encapsulated in one word.

It's time we value it.

slowing down.

life feels complicated.
and moving too fast.
and that it seems there is never enough
space and time
for the really good parts.

i've been trying hard to find all the soft perfect moments
the ones that make you pause
but you have to move at a snails pace to find them.

like new growth, how it is lighter on the fir trees.
like the way the trees turn almost black on the trunks
after a rain.
like the way you can see the fog if you look closely
creeping through the forest.
how the cattle turn to stare at you
when you walk across the front yard.
how a certain bush is suddenly in bloom.
how often barn cats cut a path through the backyard.
how the birds seem to be singing more
but really they sing the same it's
just that you are there
present with them
more often.

"To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter...to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring--these are some of the rewards of the simple life."


the quote is John Burroughs and it sums up the feelings i have right now.
this pulling i am having for simplicity.
this yearning for a quiet life.
the craving for less,
to fill time with less bustling and more living.

i want to be present in my life.
and i want my life to be uncomplicated.
i want to fill my days with what makes me happy
so that they can be full
rather than pushed through to get to the goodness.

it has made me sad,
but it is the sadness
that makes me want to push even harder.
three years ago
i would not have envisioned the peace
that has settled upon me in this life right now.
who knows in another three years
what steps i will have made
to make real
this life i am envisioning in my head now.
which reminds me of one of my other favorite quotes
from the master of turning to the trees to find yourself
Mr. Henry David Thoreau

"I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

Just Now 5.17.11

just now the dishes are done and resting on the left
and all the chairs are home back under the table
and the tablecloth has been righted.
just now lunchboxes sit on the kitchen island
half packed with non-perishables
and backpacks wait sagging on kitchen chairs.
just now the floor is swept,
all the lights off minus one
and for once everything seems to be
in it's proper place.
just now i take the last glass and set it by the sink
go back to double check the doors
and turn for a last glance at silence
as I turn off the light.

just now i walk to the girls room first
as i always do to check for sleep.
i put down the window now that the nighttime chill has crept in,
going first to my little one,
bending over kissing her lightly where her hairline dips
knowing she easily stirs
and she does, muttering something from sleep i don't understand,
eyes blink open, mouth moves and then blink shut
arms wrapping tighter around her quilt and her favorite bear.
then turning to Ems, flat on her back, mouth open,
she sleeps this way always and i think
i don't know how she always sleeps with her mouth open
i would be afraid for spiders to crawl in,
but i would never, ever dream to tell her that,
my thoughtful, anxious one.
she sleeps with the peace of her mind not working
and i wish for just one night i could sleep with that peace.
once i would turn off the cd, but now leave it on
thinking the voice of Jim Dale reading another section of Harry Potter
might continue to soothe them in their sleep
and the truth is i think i am the one it soothes
hearing it continue in their room
until they reach that depth of sleep where neither one stirs.

i meet the dog in the hall; we have this same routine
she and i, my lovely old black labrador
i go up the stairs and then she comes behind me.
at first she waited
as if to trick me into believing she had slept in her bed all night,
but now we cross paths in the hallway as i leave and
she goes in to take her post
making a circle and then settling in that space between the two beds.
she is a true mama though never having a litter of her own,
she mother's each of us instead
and it makes me smile to see her there
gaurding her two girls each night
ever watchful but also ever so happy to be right there
with those that she loves.

and then finally to my room,
where solace awaits.
it's been over three years now
and i have grown accustomed to walking into this room alone,
taking the nightgown from the closet,
starting the water to warm for my face as i brush my teeth.
walking in the dim light of the clock to check the alarm
and pulling back the covers of a bed that is much too big for one
but just right for any wanderers in the night who need to make their way here
and away from darkness, bad dreams, illness or confusion.

most nights i talk to ed
encapsulated into that small rectangular box that is my phone.
where we sum up our days and say our i love you's
and spend way too long trying to say goodbye.
then i tuck him under my pillow as if he was really here
and i really could keep him that close.
but just now i know that in nine more days i will be there
and this bed will be empty as i mold my shape back into
the space i created in his bed 2,000 miles away back in March.

but for now, just now
i relish the peace
and the quiet
and the routine.
knowing that this space is mine
and taking the time to build my nest of pillows
i sleep
knowing that all is well at this moment.
and that for at least the next six hours
all will rest,
waiting for the dawn to break
and dreaming our dreams that come with a happy home.

wishmaking.

i want to go back

and be like she is

believing that wishes come in the form

of shooting stars

and fallen eyelashes

and dandelion fluffs.

training days

i am almost afraid to mention it

for fear i will not follow through

because i'm kind of like that

but this past week

 Michael Franti and i

we've been working the

couch to 5K

because right now

i feel the need to run

and the old familiar itch

the one that creeps up my thighs

it's like someplace i used to remember

and i pray for my old dancers ankles to hang along for the ride.

sick week part II

now home
there comes a natural rhythm to our days
one that feels....natural.
with all three of us trapped in the house by illness
there is nowhere we are required to be
there is nothing that must be done
or rushed off to.
so here i sit with my babes
hours passing by into hours
as we wake
i feed them,
we read books
and watch movies
and snuggle on the couch
and the outside world disappears.
and it is just us
the three of us
this little family.
we let the day take us
and my priorities become
is it time to administer the medicine
or cook up a big batch of soup
should i pick up a book
or throw in a load of laundry?
and i could completely lose myself
right here
in the ordinariness of a few sick days
and what they have taught me
about being present
relishing each moment
and slowing down.
these days, forced upon us
these days that have been the best of my life.

sick week part I

i'm in the bath
crying frustrations into a warm washcloth
sitting, my knees under my chin
as the water makes it's exit
wondering where sleep went
and the ticking of time
and i'm angry, feeling frozen in indecision
about doctors and school and work
knowing i'm out of sick time
but viruses do not know that
knowing i need sleep
but feverish children do not know that
feeding the healing one a few leftover vegetables from the fridge
surely an accomplishment over the fast food
that i know will hurt her stomach
the other one on the verge of the illness chooses not to eat
and so i slip on a movie
so that i can sneak into a hot bath
because that is the only thing that will get me through
the quiet,
the dark,
the few moments
with the hot water
a glass of red wine
and lots and lots of chocolate.

sickly.

even with a 102.5 degree temperature she is so beautiful
and so sweet
hot little feet
quiet little voice
mommy i don't feel good
her bear tucked under her arm
a stack of books on the couch next to her
my wee one, she's been afflicted for awhile now
one thing or another
stomach aches
a bout with fifth's virus
now a sore throat and a fever
makes me wonder what i'm not doing right
why she seems so vulnerable
because she seems so vulnerable when she's sick
and i feel so helpless
sick days are awful
sick days when mom has to go to work are even worse
not so much on the wee one
but horrible for the mom
who leaves grandad at home with her
with ibuprofen, and a thermometer and a washcloth
and walks out the door whispering
please take care of my baby

remembrances found.

with spring here i am again feeling the pull to rid myself of "stuff" 

 windows open, a perfect spring breeze coming through, it is time to pull apart the closets

 here is what i pulled down from the top shelf of the closet  

these are most definitely not going anywhere

these mementos of my girls first bits of life here with me  

first locks of hair, first shoes, sonograms, first little dresses

i sat down with these and lost at least a good hour

 holding, gazing and just taking in what used to be

 and it was like finding a little bit of myself again.

enough.

i've had enough.

i don't want to hear anymore.

i don't care about your opinion.

just be quiet.

you talk too much.

my mind, my heart and my soul cannot take anymore.

stop complaining about what's wrong with our country, the world.

go out and do something.  

stop blaming everyone else.

go out and do something to improve it yourself.

and while you are at it.

smile.

give someone a hug, or a break, or something they may need but not have.

be happy that you are:  healthy, employed, happily married, well-loved, warmed by the sun, going out to dinner, reading a book, standing, breathing, living.

and thankful that you are not:  being shot on your way to vote, in fear of being raped or murdered in your own home, dying of a horrible disease with no hope for treatment,  eating out of a dump, suffering the loss of your home to devastation, unable to be schooled, unable to feed your children, forced to not have a voice.

if you are someone living in the "be thankful you are not" column  i hope there is someone in the "be happy that you are" section willing to help you.

and if you are in the "be happy that you are" section, i hope you feel the need to help someone in the "thankful you are not"  section.

it is a wonderful thing to have the freedom to use your voice.

when it is used in a positive way.

and i'm only going to listen to the positive side else i decide to close my ears completely.

girl at ten.

how is it that she is ten years old?

and lanky, and beautiful, and joyous.

with a laugh that is bigger than her body.

confident and unique.

everything i've wanted her to be.

she keeps shifting into new shades of herself.

and i want nothing more than for her to keep getting better.

keep laughing louder.

keep growing stronger.

keep living her life and becoming her own.

i don't think i need to worry about her anymore.

at least not for now.

she has weathered her storms.

and now awakes each morning with a spirit and enthusiasm

that i am envious of.

she makes me want to be ten again.

full of  joy.

full of laughter.

and full of promise.

here we are.

So here we are.

I have been wanting to move the blog for some time.

And I have to say it feels very strange to be writing here.

Kind of like moving to a new house.

I've been craving a new look for the blog and I seem to have found what I was looking for.  It's not a different blog I am looking for, just a difference in style.  I'm slowly migrating the old posts here, just now having finished one month's worth.  It's been easier than I thought but a little time consuming.

But the old spot was home.  It had been since September of 2008.

I started that blog when I moved in and started my new life here in this house.

I had 642 posts.

Had 65,856 views.

I've grown and changed, spread my wings and found myself in that place.

3,761 comments that won't be coming over here made that journey with me.

But I hope that you have come.

Because even though I  B.W.O. (blog without obligation), I would miss the company I had in the old place.

Which is one of the main reasons I stayed.

But I've learned that when we unstick ourselves, when we embrace change, good things tend to follow, so I hope this is the case with my little journey journal as well.

Please make sure to update your bookmarks.  I sense good things coming ahead.

P.S.  I miss my sidebar, but wanted this look, so please find my other information on the pages contained here.

of the earth.

what is it about blueberries?

 when you pop one in your mouth

you can taste the earth, a woodsiness that you get from no other food.

blueberries to me taste like a summer morning on a back path in the woods.
i could eat a whole bucketful right now.

no joy.

i have no joy in the death of Osama bin Laden.  i do not dance in the streets.  chant for my country or wave my flag.
i have only a reminder of that which was lost  and a reminder that there is much more work to do to bring peace to this place.
when life becomes more important than death.
when love holds a higher place than self-importance, greed or power.
when nations or religions or cultures unite.
set aside their differences, hold on to one another for the greater good.
when everyday people see others as their own mother, daughter, sister or brother.
when we think or reflect, before we speak or act.
that is when i will do my dance.
when i will sing my praise.
i have no idea what awaits this man, who held so much hatred in his heart.
but it is not my place to know.
and so i will continue with my own struggle.
doing my part.
each day, one at a time.
to spread my message that love is a better option.
and hope to see it grow.

different kinds of dreams.

It seems I've switched to a morning format for my weekend  posts and this morning the girls ARE in the bed probably against their better judgement as I've been waking in the night suffering the worst of this cold.

I think last night's dreams were worth mentioning here because they were the kinds of dreams that you want to wake up and remember, not let roll off quickly before you can grasp them.

Last night I had dreams of swimming.  Which is a bit odd for me because I'm not a big swimmer.  But I was standing on the edge of a beach about to enter a competition.  Apparently it was one of three competitions (of which I dreamed of two) and there were only about ten people competing.  Though I guess it's kind of pointless to say competing because as I spoke with my fellow competitors on the beach, we were all just hoping to finish and in addition felt a deep affection for one another for doing this together).  So there I was on a beautiful stretch of land getting ready to swim my heart out (and thinking why am I doing this, I don't swim) and I was excited, bursting actually with excitement.  When the race started it seemed it was an odd sort of race that involved diving, then swimming in shallow waters and then climbing up and over rocks and then swimming again to get to the other side and back.  I have never seen this, but ok, it's a dream.  The second leg of the race was on a different beach and this time it was evening.  I was standing in a hotel room and there were giant rock formations that the setting sun was throwing in silhouette along the beach (thinking now they reminded me of the rocks at Bay of Fundy, a must see if I do say so, if you're ever in Atlantic Canada)

I decided I needed to go photograph them while the light was just right so I headed out to walk down the beach with my camera.  As I walked down the beach trying to find a good shot there was suddenly someone beside me and I turned to them and pointed across to the left where there was a string of bright neon signs and fast food joints and said "see this, this is what is ruining things" and then I pointed across back to my Fundy rocks and the setting sun and the ocean and said "and this is what we are trying to save".  And that is where I woke up.
In the way all dreams are this one didn't make much sense.  The fact I went straight to my grandparents home from the first race or that there were a string of fast food joints across from my Fundy beach.  What was amazing about this dream was that all of the most important aspects of my life were all contained in this dream and in this dream itself I was so uniquely happy.
I was doing something I loved which was pushing myself and my body to become stronger and healthier.  I was on a beach next to an amazing ocean in both parts of the dream.  I had both Ed and my family there with me surrounding me in both parts and I was imparting to someone younger than myself the importance of staying away from that which is fake and unnatural for what is already whole and complete.
It may not mean much here looking at it on the screen, but it made an impact on me this morning.  I awoke with a smile and a feeling like if nothing else this dream was telling me I am on the right path.