saturday mornings.

saturday mornings mean sleeping in.

maybe not sleeping but lying in bed with no rush to be anywhere.

sometimes girls in my bed, sometimes girls running up and down the hallway or behind closed doors playing with legos.

saturday mornings are about lengthy stretches and rollovers.  burying your face in the pillow or wrapping yourself around one.

saturday morning means lying around thinking about the weekend what we should or want to do.

saturday mornings mean drinking tea slowly rather than rushing  out the door to spill down your skirt on the way to the car.

saturday mornings mean a morning walk with the dog down the back path in the woods.

saturday morning means noticing the changes that are happening amongst the trees and getting excited.

saturday mornings are meant for egg sandwiches or egg wraps or omelets.

saturday mornings are about hoping for a lot to happen, which may or may not come to fruition.

still there is  a lot of promise in Saturday morning when nothing has yet started.

this Saturday morning there is sunshine and bird song.

it is one of those Saturday mornings I am in bed by myself and the girls are hidden behind their own door.

this Saturday i may hike or write or edit or stop by the farm.  maybe this saturday i will finish some collages.

regardless, Saturday is here and it doesn't yet hold the tiredness or disappointment of Sunday evening.

it holds the promise of all those things yet to come.

movement.

it's 9:00 pm.  the house is dark and quiet.  i have turned off the lights and shut my door.  the girls are in bed.  if i strain i can hear Jim Dale's voice coming from their room reading them another in the series of Harry Potter on CD.

it's spring (it feels like summer) but it's spring and i'm ready to get moving again.  the girls and i walked a mile tonight after dinner just before dusk, but it  left me wanting a little more.

so i closed the door, put my Peter Davidson channel on Pandora and stuck my legs up the wall.  i never know where my yoga practice is going to go in the evenings.  i know there are certain series of poses i can do.  i used to wake up everyday and do sun salutations and close the evening with a relaxation series.  for awhile i followed this weekly schedule diligently.  now, i find though i just want to listen to my body and this is the way i start.  maybe it's because my first yoga teacher always started us off with legs on the wall.  after a long day of work, rushing to feed the kids and jumping in the car to class, this was the perfect way to start, and so i still do.

and then i just let my body tell me what it wants and i just enjoy the quiet time listening and moving.  i've enjoyed good bouts of cardio many, many times.  it helped me lose 25 pounds last year, but my favorite thing in the world is the slow movements of a good yoga practice that put you in tune with feeling the muscles of your body working.

right now i'm putting special focus on my shoulders.  i had my first massage two weeks ago and the therapist was appalled at my upper back and shoulders.  apparently i haven't just been carrying my tension there, it's moved in and tried to make a permanent home.  in all the chaos that is my life, i was prepared to beg her to just let me take a nap on the warm table with the dim lights and the twinkly music, but alas, she knew there was work to be done.

now this past week i've been watching my shoulders like a hawk and  i've found at ALL points through the day they rest somewhere right beside my ears. so i've been doing this little twitchy movement each day, all day, as i recognize my creeping shoulders and force shrug them back down.

so they're getting  a little special attention right now.

the last part of my practice is always the same too, savasana, oh sweet savasana.  looks so easy.  so not.  but so worth it.  in class we started by tightening every bit of our body and slowly letting it go.  have you ever tried to relax your cheeks?  let your eyes sink into the back of your head?  but it works and anyone who is doing yoga practice, please enlighten me as to how many times you've actually fallen asleep in this pose.  maybe it's the fact i do it at night in the dark and i'm always tired, but it's a common occurrence.

i wrote this whole post in my head as i worked tonight, but somehow sitting here now on the floor with the screen in front of me the beauty of the words i had then have left me. i've resolved to post the thoughts that are in my mind most evenings.  some nights as with this night, perhaps it will just be a diatribe about yoga.  oh well, some of you will get it.

it was a long winter this year.  in a way i fell off my path during those long months.

but i feel it coming back and each time i wonder, why has it fallen away.  this is such a wonderful part of my life.

i love my practice, but i'm missing yoga classes.  there's so much more i want to learn.  no time to fit it into my schedule right now.  so it sits with the tai chi classes and the mountain climbing classes that line up behind it on the wish list.  let's not talk either about the whole catalog of knowledge that could come from the kripalu or omega catalogs that have made their way to the mailbox the last couple weeks.

in the meantime i'll just keep moving.

in conversation.

photo credit:  fiji.islands-pictures.com

tonight was heavy in conversation.  the types of conversations that revolve around what life means to you and what it takes to have a meaningful life.

conversation on game changers and life alterers.  conversations that could go anywhere. conversations that take two people on opposite ends of everything and bring them closer.

they're tough conversations, important but heavy with thought and consequences.

and through it all we keep smiling, and laughing, and loving each other.

and no one raises their voice or throws things.

we may just end up raising a family on a beach, wild unschooled children, cajoling the tourists for a living.

but i say fiji and he says belize.

so the discussions go on.

i have a 10 year old.

earth day 2011

go love yourself some earth.

one day.

one day i'm going to miss tucking in the stuffed animals that roll out of bed in the night.

just another of those daily motherhood realizations.

a quiet moment, a wild week

it's been awhile.

i don't usually go this long without posting.

so long, my friend debbie emails me to say are you ok?

yes, debbie.  i am okay.

just tired.

again.

hit the wall. 

it's been three years. you would think by  now i would be getting used to this.

but now the girls are getting older.  it seems they are getting their own ideas and opinions that we need to hash out.  it seems they are getting involved in more and more things.  it seems my time continues to shrink and shrink.  it seems that ten o'clock on Sunday night, still trying to finish up the weekend work comes too quickly and too often these days.  it seems i notice even more the absence of another adult in this house to turn to at any given point.

i'm whining and giving in to self-pity.  it happens on occassion.

but it will be okay.

and i will refocus and come back to take my own advice, enjoy everyday moments.

like right now.  little one is sick, a virus that makes her tired, miserable, rashy, but still cute as a button.  curled up next to me here in bed, with mama, her warm slightly feverish hand pulling mine around her to sleep.  ems is crashed out at the end of my bed convinced it's unfair that her sister gets to sleep with me and not her.  so here in the midst of all the chaos, the overwhelming scheduling  and rescheduling  lies my peace, my moment.  my two girls with me in bed, fresh flannel sheets and string lullabies playing on the cd player.  it's a comfort to them and it's because of this situation that feels not quite so right to me on so many occassions that we have this ability to be three girls curled up comforted in the bed together.  even the oldest of girls here, finally after an insane week, finds a moment of comfort and peace.

it's wordless wednesday, but i've been wordless here for a bit too long.

it's spring break so there are no lunches to pack, there is no homework to be done for the next four or five days.  thank you for such relief.  this weekend there is much to celebrate.  the arrival of spring, new beginnings, my oldest turning 10 years old and my friend debbie's wedding.  thank you debbie for taking a moment in all your wedding pre-production to make sure i was okay, and have a beautiful, beautiful day.  relish every moment of your new beginning and then take some time to rest.  from me to you, i am so appreciative that you have found your one.

now it's up and drag my rear out of bed to start it all over again.......

Wordless Wednesday: Forget Spring, Where Is Summer?

today, warmth found.

like an answered prayer, spring vaulted straight to a summer day today.

warmth?  did i call for you?

86 degrees.

windows thrown open.

homework on the picnic table.

a walk through the woods with the dog.

swinging on the tree swing.

still the smallest amount of light at 8:00 bedtime.

thank you universe.

still waiting.

why does it seem that spring is so reluctant to make  her entrance this year?

easter is late and just two weeks away.  most of the earth here is still brown, the days still damp and chilly.

i long for warmth and color.

spring seems perched on the edge, just peeking around the corner, making me wait.

i myself perched and ready.

ready to jump, but not quite there.

there are climbing lessons, i haven't dared to officially sign up for, scared my time won't come through.

there are photos, to be reproduced, ideas floating in my head to be sold.

there is a book in progress, waiting for me to sit down and add another 3,o00 words to what is there.

there is a man, right now in Tennessee, who feels like family, but who is just out of my reach.

sometimes the waiting is the hardest part, when you feel greatness around the corner.

in time.  time is a teacher.

telling me, this is a path, but one with a direction.

giving me just a taste to hold on to, and keeps me thinking forward.

present and grateful.

Trying to find the source of Karelyn's stomach woes, I asked her today if she had any worries.

She railed off about a half a dozen right off the top of her head, including what if something happened to me, a girl saying things at school she didn't agree with, missing her Dad, burglars in the house, a first grader on the bus telling her she was ugly, her grade dropping down this marking period, what if we move, etc....

"Don't worry about what might happen, just concentrate on today.  Right now.  If you get up each day and you try your best to do what you can as best as you can that's all Mommy expects.  Some days are going to be fantastic and some days are going to be crappy, but everyday I love you". 

I felt she needed this advice today, but really, I think I may have needed it just as much as she did.  A reminder that right now is good enough, that I am good enough just as I am right now.  And so I did a gratitude check on myself, thinking back on  those things that made me happy today.

fresh cut grass.  the way the freckles dot across her nose and cheeks. clean sheets on the bed. the color blue. two girls to snuggle in the morning. her beautiful blue eyes.  a nice glass of wine.  a soft cotton tank top to sleep in.  cherry blossoms. calling my love this morning and hearing his sleepy voice.   old people.  love and laughter.  sunshine. the way the cat sits on the chair and stares at me sometimes.  fresh butter. magnolia blossoms. peanut butter and bananas. the dog curled up between the girls beds.  

Wordless Wednesday: More From Colorado

here.

here is where he was standing, waiting for me to find the perfect shot.

again and again and again.

patient.

always waiting for me.  to find my way back again, to find my way across the mountains and plains, to find answers to the questions that hang there between us.

he is a patient man.

i never want to wait for anything.  impatient.

he says 58 days is not so long.

i roll my eyes.

here.

here is where he waits.

here is where i can't stop thinking i want to be.

here is where i found bliss

in the feel of his hands stroking my hair,

in reaching out and having someone's hand to hold,

in waking in the night assured he was there.

here.

in that one spot,

that spot where i rest my head

and know that everything is okay.

that place where my head fits into his neck

and i know i am safe.

and i know that here

is defined only as

this place,

this spot.

my safe place.

here,

this spot.

is where i can call home.

growing up.

my girl is growing up.

she picks out her own clothes.  if i lay something out she puts it away.  it doesn't always make sense, but she's got her own style and as long as she's respectable, i'm not going to pick a fight there.

she has perfected the eye roll, and the sarcastic head wobble.  i've perfected the phrase "stop being a smart-ass".

last week she had issues with a friend at school.  another friend was excluded and she stepped in and got the cold shoulder from the other friend about it. it threw her for a loop.  i wasn't ready for catty friends until middle school, but here we are in 4th grade.  she didn't really talk to me about it.  she emailed her best friend.  her best friend from kindergarten.   i am so glad she has a best friend confidante.  then she talked to Ed.  that's right, apparently friend issues fall into Ed territory.

this last week she has had a few questions about her physical self.  apparently, body issues fall into my territory, thank goodness.

she'll be 10 in nineteen days.

i've heard the stories my sister has told of frantic mothers running into the library asking for books for their nine and ten year olds caught by surprise by puberty.  i was shocked.  i guess i shouldn't be.

i'm not ready for her to grow up.

but i realize i cannot be caught unaware.  so today this book collection came for her.  i'm reading it tonight in preparation before i give it to her.  it appears to be a good one.  american girl really puts out some good stuff for this pre-teen set.  she already has one of the books on friendship,  of course, i always turn to a book.

my mother gave a us a book.   it taught us a lot.

apparently it taught my younger brother a lot too.  my mother claims it's how he got all the girls, with all of that knowledge.

but about my first-born.  i remember how sad i was when she was no longer a baby, a toddler, a preschooler, a kindergartner.  i remember my mother telling me every stage is a good stage and that they grow and change and you find new things to love about them.

for the past couple years, i've been watching as Nancy's girls are growing into adults, and am in awe of her relationship with them.

i hope to have that.

in the meantime, i will cherish everything about the growing wonder of this stage of her life.  even the eye-rolls that i recognize as my own.

and then we'll deal with the really tough issues.

Just Now 4.3.2011

current time: 12:34 p.m, Sunday

in my mug: glass of iced tea, no sugar, with lemon.

in my belly: roasted portabello mushroom, with spinach, blue cheese and bread crumbs, lunch, feeling the draw back to whole foods, come on summer.

in my ears: "Full Moon", The Black Ghosts

on the table: my cell phone, two discs of Californication from Netflix, Emily's MP3 player, a notebook, a list of photography books and a glass of iced tea.

on the editor: these photos of Karelyn from Thursday night, her Dad had cancelled, she was upset and so I gave in and let her watch a movie on a school night, and she was falling asleep through the end.

last watched: Rod Stewart on Piers Morgan, and thinking of my mother. I love biography interviews, people fascinate me.

feeling good about: some more time alone with myself this weekend, girls at extended sleepover.

feeling bummed about: being so far away from the one person i want to be with.

last thing that made me laugh: Ed and I discussing the girls dating last night. I thought I was going to be bad.

and think: The Charter for Compassion, amazing work, amazing ideas, i could devote myself to stuff like this.

trails.

On our last morning we took a walk together and I was continually distracted (as usual) by the reflection of the clouds in the water and kept stopping to snap photos. I couldn't wait to get home and experiment with them and this is what came out of one of the shots. It wasn't the quote I was looking for and it wasn't the first one I found, but it fits. There was no shortage of trails, or mountains or sky in Colorado. Really when I first saw the quote it made me think of him and his desire to eat up those nasty trails through the desert.

But more than that, one of the many, many things I was amazed at on my trip, was how easy it was for us. To not only drive for miles and not feel like you have to say a word, but also to just sit and talk and talk late into the night. Later after our walk, we went home and I took an afternoon nap on his shoulder while he watched baseball. It just felt right, and easy, and so uncomplicated.

Both of our trails so far have been, crooked, winding and lonesome. We have both had our share of heartbreak in our lives. Neither one of us is untarnished, but I think what we have now is opportunity. In the book I was reading on the plane, Elizabeth Gilbert, said that we come into our second relationships with humility, knowing that you and your partner have faults and are completely capable of hurting one another.

These are new trails for me. These trails in Colorado. It's not only the terrain that is unfamiliar, it's this path of contentment. It's the ease into which we have fallen into this relationship together. I am not used to having someone to wash my affection over and I'm certainly not familiar with someone being so in love with me.

So in a way, we are forging new trails together and I am sure at several points we will start to head down a dark path. The difference is in knowing that there are always options when you are on the trail, and knowing when to say, this is a good, good path or stopping to say maybe we should be careful here.

We're taking a chance here the two of us. We had both said no, not again. So this is a surprise. But for me there is too much good here to not try, to continue this path to the amazing view, to reach to the sky, the clouds. It's a soft place to land, in every way.