shaken.

i am shaken.

every time i seem to find my footing, my balance, something comes along and shakes it. i've been so prosperous these last few months at being at peace, of feeling grounded.

no yoga practice can fix this, at least not right now. no meditation practice can sweep this from my mind.

it's 4:28 a.m.  i'm awake in my bedroom.  every light in the house is on.

someone tried to break into our safe little haven called home tonight after i had tucked my sweet girls and myself into bed.

i am shaken.

just finished yoga practice, preparing an email to a friend.

a car hesitates, voices, and then the pounding three, maybe four times of someone trying to break through my front door. by the time i jumped from bed, grabbed the light and my cell phone to call 911 and made it to my bedroom window they were gone.

no trace.  called my parents, stood in the bedroom window on the phone with my mother waiting for my step-father to arrive and check my house.

then they came back.  twenty minutes later.  pulled into my driveway, lights shining bright onto my home, paused a minute and then left.   i don't know why they came back. if they had forgotten something, someone.  i am still trying to process it.

the police said stay inside, lock your doors and keep your phone handy, you aren't the only call we've had in this area.

it turns out they tried three houses on my sweet, quiet, rural country road.  from the time frame, it seems i was the first attempt.

thank goodness for heavy metal doors with deadbolts.

i guess we weren't an easy enough target.  i guess i should take comfort in that.

Sally our scarecrow never moved from her chair on the porch, her sombrero still on her head.

but two great ugly, dirty footprints by my doorknob where they tried to kick their way in, uninvited.

the police on my porch like a crime scene television show getting prints and taking photos.

all those worries are back.  the ones i had when my girls were first born.  how to keep them safe in a world where the rules don't always apply?

the smallest sounds, the cat, a book falling off Emily's bed, making me jump through the roof, eyes scanning out the windows.  how long until i will feel safe to sleep again? not tonight, maybe not too soon.

never have i been so scared as in those few minutes when i heard the weight on that door and sat frozen for a second with the knowledge that my babies were here inside. when my mind stops i hear it all over again.

i am going to stay with my gratitude.  gratitude for strong doors.  gratitude that i triple check locks.  gratitude i was awake.  gratitude for police.  gratitude for parents fifteen minutes away.  gratitude that my girls slept through the noise, the police and my step-father and i downstairs drinking tea together for four hours in the dark.

shhhh.  i will not tell them.  let them stay safe in their dreams.

karelyn already full of so many fears.  they should not have to bear a burden like this.

be innocent, be free, and stay in that sweet cocoon where mama can always protect you.


** I wrote this Tuesday night.  We did not want my grandparents to know anything about the attempted break in while my Grandmother was preparing for surgery  Tuesday night and Wednesday.  As I update this it is Wednesday night and it is dark again.  I am sitting here trying to listen to the sounds of the girls playing in the bath, not the pace of every car that drives by.  I'm trying to not continually steal glances out the window.  I have never minded living alone with my girls until these last two days.  For me to have come to so much resolution about raising this little family by myself, I suddenly feel very vulnerable and alone.  My grandmother had her back surgery today and is recovering well. The surgeon said it was a success, we hope to have her home Friday.  Thanks to everyone who has sent me well wishes and prayers for her.  Please keep me in your prayers and meditations as I sort through the rest of these fears over the coming days.