Just Now: 9.30.10

current time: 8:56 p.m.

on my mind: fitting it all in.

in my belly: a hot mug of Earl Grey Creme and a slice of pumpkin pie.

in my ears: Amos Lee singing "Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight"

in the fridge: apple cider

on the editor: ummm, vacation photos, promising to be done by the end of October.

last watched: Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader overtake the Emperor, in my bed with the girls for the millionth time on a rainy afternoon.

on the nightstand: my new cell phone and my ipod.  fallen asleep with Xavier Rudd in my ears the last three nights and sleeping better.

feeling good about: rainy fall days.  wet leaves.  new friends to write to. a warm bath and a cup of tea in the almost darkness.

feeling bummed about: my grandparent's continuing string of bad luck and feeling helpless to fix anything.

last thing that made me laugh: the debate at dinner over who would win Disney Princess one on one takedowns.

made me pause: thinking about how overwhelming a responsibility motherhood can be sometimes.

the prologue.

there is a huge flock of migratory birds in the trees across the field, across the road.  i hear them.  i want to run out and photograph them, but i haven't picked up the camera in over a week.

there are a million words bubbling inside of me that need to be written in poem or novel form that haven't seen the light of day.

there are bright ideas forming, floating, projecting themselves up from within me that i haven't had the time to care for and nurture.

there has been routine, tasks, chores, homework, trombone lessons, housework, laundry.

there has been much more coffee, much less sleep, much more time on the phone late at night, much more time knee deep in the trenches, less time here at the computer.

there has been an ongoing clearing, of home, body, mind and soul.

so much of this has left me bewildered.

when you say you want to dream, it is very exciting.  but there should be a prologue to the dream called: putting your affairs in order.

the birds are flying over me now as i sit here and type.  i have paused to look out the window at them.  they are on task, right where they should be right now.  i know in my heart i am too, but still sometimes i wish to fly, fly, far away.  find a place to rest out the winter.

sometimes finding that place requires a lot of hard flying along the way.

i don't think i like the prologue so much. and i am sure the story itself will be long and great.  but i think the ending will be the best, the day that i will be resting among so many of those dreams and i can call the epilogue: 

she lived happily ever after.

sudden undeniable exhaustion

Suffering tonight from sudden and undeniable cleanout exhaustion, but the girls now each have their own rooms again, and...it's...staying...that...way.

We were supposed to go to harvest festival today, but got rained out.  So here are photos from last year because, well, I've got to have photos.

My sheets are in the dryer, I'll see if they make it to the bed.  The dishes are still sitting in the sink, but I don't care.  We'll wing it in the morning for school.

I love the actual result of a weekend spent working around the house, but I hate the feeling afterward.

And God, I wish I wasn't on a self-imposed wine fast.

just now: 9.23.10

current time: 11:34 p.m.

on my mind: time, how it twists and bends and can seem anything but linear.

in my belly: toast.  no really, i missed dinner and i'm having coffee and toast.

in my ears: "Three Little Birds", Bob Marley

in the fridge: fresh raw salsa that i've been devouring all week.

on the editor: did i mention i have a few vacation photos?

last watched: the season premiere of "Parenthood", love that show.

on the nightstand: "the wishing year" by Noelle Oxenhandler

feeling good about: finally buying a new cell phone, for all those who have been in my months long debate over a droid or an iphone, i got a blackberry torch.  one reason.  i live in email.

feeling bummed about: the fact my grandparent's house got robbed today while they were out shopping.  priceless documents and mementos gone, more than bummed, absolutely heartbroken.

last thing that made me laugh: just a note: if you are going to walk into your bank and be a jerk, we will make fun of you after you leave.  just saying.

made me pause: how unfair the world can be sometimes to good people who live their life in an honest way.

dare to dream

With much deliberation and much hesitation, I have decided to post it because what dreams can truly be nurtured and brought to fruition without the light of day.  

Click on the image to see the itty-bitty, become great big, dreams.....

wordless wednesday: ding dong ditch

the girls ding-dong ditch get well cards to my grandmother

message from a seven year old

"I think you are the beautifulist thing I ever saw in my whole life.   You are the one who made me how I am now.  You are so nice to have around.  You are so nice even though you are can be mean sometimes, but I love you anyway".

Reminder to self:  This is why I do it.

incoming.

fall is creeping in.  pumpkins are showing up in the stands along the road.  we have reached that point where it is just a little bit dangerous to walk the back path because of falling acorns.  ker-plop.  the nights have been downright crisp.  i roasted a chicken, made mashed potatoes.  apple season has arrived and Emily and I made an apple galette this morning.

smoke is rolling in from somewhere and soon it will be the scent of woodstoves in the evening.  blankets are back on the beds, shorts have been traded for long pants and everyone is a little perturbed at the feeling of long sleeves and shoes and socks again.  but it is excellent hiking weather, the leaves are just starting to litter the trails and next week will be the harvest festival.  more cider to press, another scarecrow to ride home in the passenger seat of the car.

i was sad to see summer go.  i almost didn't want to let it  because it held so many wonderful memories this year.  but fall, oh my fall, you are my favorite time of year.

just now: 9.17.10

Taking this week's Just Now from the "The Whole Truth" with Mark Bittman in this month's Whole Living magazine.  

Just because I really liked it.

If I Could Say One Thing To Myself 20 Years Ago: it's okay to go find yourself.

My Favorite Place In The World Is: outside on a bed of moss within the shade of the trees.

The Lesson I Keep Learning Over and Over: Patience, still learning.

The Movie I Watch When I Want To Laugh: Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, makes me almost pee my pants laughing.

The Most Scared I've Ever Been:  when I thought I had misplaced  my daughter.

No One Knows: exactly.

Unhealthiest Thing I've Ever Passed Off As Dinner: Hamburger Helper

Personal Philosophy: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."   -Anais Nin

Book That Changed My Life: "The Places That Scare You" by my beloved Pema Chodron

I Unwind By: music and wine.

Proudest Moment of My Career: My first annual review at my first "real job".  I felt like a grown up.

What Keeps Me Up At Night: thinking there is not enough of me to be what everyone needs.

I define "downtime" as: lying on the bed with no one calling my name.

Coffee or Tea: Coffee on the weekends, tea morning and night.

Guiltiest Pleasure: You Tube.

My Mom Was Right About: telling me I was strong.

My Mom Was Wrong About: thinking I wouldn't be successful without college.

The Last Time I Lost My Temper Was: last weekend, at the girls, for leaving their  bathroom a disgusting DISASTER area.

My Favorite Moment of the Day: those quiet first moments after I put the girls to bed and dim all the lights.

I Wish I Had More Time For: walking about with the camera.

I Always Make Time For: friends.

I'm Currently Reading: The Wishing Year by Noelle Oxenhandler

lists

#41 see the northern lights

I finished my current Mondo Beyondo list.  It has 28 hopes, wishes, dreams and possibilities in it, some tailored to a certain place, some not, some tailored to certain people, some not, some very distinct, some very open and I wrote them all in a beautiful blue pen and sealed them away with a kiss.  I am a great lover and admirer of lists,  but this was a very different sort of list because this list has no boundaries.  It could have said fly to the moon.  It didn't, but it could have.

I have kept a list of things I've wanted to do for some time.  I started my 43 things list years and years ago.  I just brought up my last 43 things list from 2008.  I kept some of the old, scrapped some, added some new.  I started a new 43 things list this past week.  Because some of them are my Mondo Beyondo items, I'm not listing them all....

What would you add to your list?

1. get to 1,000 grains of rice on Freerice.com

3. practice yoga three times a week consistently.

5. master 1o recipes from my Bon Appetit magazine collection, inside and out.

8. master the perfect peanut butter cookie.

9. file all my papers.

10. create a schedule for my online time and stick to it for a month.

12. revisit Maine on vacation.

14 meet one of my blog friends in person.

25. attend a class at Kripalu.

26. complete reading Kahlil Gibran.

29. master the basic French sauces.

30.  visit Blackberry Farm in Tennessee.

31. reach my 100 things declutter goal.

34. kiss someone passionately.

35. weed out my strawberry bed.

39. have someone catch my book from bookcrossing.

Wordless Wednesday: Coaxing Autumn

jack.

I first heard Brushfire Fairytales in 2003 when my girls were just wee ones.  and jack was just a surfer who had made his first record.  today i still love to start my day with these three songs, here, here, and here.  they hold absolutely no significance to me personally, i just like the way they make me feel and i love hearing my children running around the house going le,de,de, de,da,da,da-dah,da-da, la da, da da da, da-hah, da-dah.

i didn't like "to the sea" at first but now i realize how close those songs are to my beloved Brushfire Fairytales and now everyone knows who jack johnson is.  i used to feel that his songs were the background to my life.  now they are the background to a lot of people's lives.

but to me he will always be the surfer singing songs about love and the goodness of this earth and if a lot of other people get to enjoy that too well then all the better.  to me i'm just happy he picked up a guitar and opened his mouth and decided to share his thoughts with the rest of the world.

and for carrying this reminder in my head all day:

move like a jellyfish, rhythm is nothing, you go with the flow, you don't stop

two years

they said it would take two years to leave the pain, two years to find your way again, to feel yourself.  two years to heal ten.

stability came after one year, peace shortly after, but now past the two year mark, there are other things: happiness, contentment, hope, belief.

i don't feel like myself again.  i feel better than that.

i don't just hope anymore.  i am ready to reach out and start doing.

i don't feel as if there are no scars, but i have been given the healing balm of time and understanding.

someone told me the other day, you don't deserve what happened to you.

no--i didn't.

but if i hadn't then would i be here?  with these lessons, this life, this blessed second chance.

sometimes during those two years the thoughts came to never recover, never trust, never love, ever, ever again.

then you wake up and the world is your oyster and you couldn't have dreamed this person you would become. from that tiny dark hole the light might somehow creep in and that with time and the light and a lot of soul searching and a lot of help along the way you would be smiling, you would be laughing, you would wake up and look in the mirror and like who you saw.

two years to realize you control your path.

two years to find these moments.

two years to feel you are worthy of being loved again.

two years to lose the tightness, to give it up.

two years to open up and let light and love shine down, wash over you and make you feel---

alive.

Wordless Wednesday: Thank You Lisa, It Fits Right In

slippery when wet.

Time to hike.  The temperatures have dropped.  It's actually, well, cool here.  It's g-l-o-r-i-o-u-s.  Went to the mill this weekend and then walked along the river.  I'm usually really good on the rocks.  I mean I grew up climbing the rocks on the ocean in Maine and Nova Scotia.  Big rocks. 

This weekend I walked on little rocks.  Little, but s-l-i-m-y rocks.  Sloped rocks that when you slip plunge you chest deep in the water.  The water was warm so it's not that bad.  The wet jeans not so much.  Kind of canceled the rest of the trail hike up the side of the hill.  Downside, driving home and it stunk and felt gross and I took my shoes off and rolled up my pantlegs and just went "eww" "eww" "eww".  The upside----did NOT have my camera with me.

All was well yesterday until about 2 a.m.  when I rolled over on my side and walked and looked in the bathroom. I had a great day, but I am black and blue.  I don't care though.  I'm just so glad to be out again.

weekend.

looked like this:

late nights and lazy mornings

eggs and bacon

tea and toast

movies and games

laundry and clutter

friends and family

wet and dry

books and lamplight

blankets and breezes

cool air and crisp nights

we are at a threshold

i can almost feel fall, can you?

delving

i'm just going to put the warning up now.  this whole mondo beyondo thing is really opening me up and letting out a lot of feelings so there might be quite a few personal posts coming up.  but this is my blog, so that's okay.

the last two days have been difficult.  partly due to hormones, partly due to chaotic schedule.  partly because i feel like my inner soul is cracking open.   the downside to exploring your wants and dreams is that, that process, opens up the past, and with the past come the regrets.  the regrets like:

i never finished college

i never had  a great trip or journey.

i settled for the "safe" jobs.

i rushed us into the marriage.

given the choice, i chose the wrong man.

which is a lot for your heart to take.  so today, i took my journal and took my assignments and i drove to the state next door.

one, because i felt i needed to be away from home,

two, because i needed to be around people, but not in the company of people,

three, it's a college town, so i was surrounded by a lot of free-thinkers,

four, it's the place where in the past i was my happiest.

one of the values i gave myself from my assignment the other day was self awareness/confidence, and since i hadn't been feeling that one,i drove off, indulged at Starbucks, grabbed a pen, settled on a bench in the sunshine right off the main street, and wrote. and wrote.  and wrote.

and it looked like this. excuse the length. apparently self-awareness is not concise.

**accept the past without regret**let go of what could have been**accept the circumstances i have to work with now**accept my body as a 38-year old, mother of two**look at the people i admire and recognize their worst/best attributes and realize how much i still admire them and learn to do that with myself**not compare myself to people who are further on the journey than i am**find out what my personal photography style is and embrace it**don't let the failure of certain ideas stop me from trying**recognize that dreams take time and love**commit to find happiness in being a no makeup, simple hair and dress, love me natural kind of girl**find clothes that  fit my sense of style, commit to a few and be happy with that**give myself time alone with no family/home obligations each week to unwind**give myself 15 minutes of quiet time each day, to let my thoughts rest**leave my inspiration notes in places i see them all day long**write out a mantra and post it on my bathroom mirror**eat well enough that i feel healthy but satisfied, banning all forms of potato chips from my diet**allow myself great coffee once a week because it makes me happy**laugh at mistakes and let them go**acknowledge that there is one, probably more than one, person out there who would love me as i am**be patient waiting for love and use this opportunity to love myself**accept that the universe will send me a partner in life when we are both ready**pull myself out of my retreat and go out more**stop being uncomfortable going places on my own**realize the limitations on my time being a working single mother**find activities i can fit into my schedule that don't require consistent commitment**make a list of places to meet like minded people and try one**keep up my online relationships, forge new ones and let some old ones go**commit one night a week to self-care**get seven hours sleep EVERY night**write every day even if for five minutes**decorate my house with beautiful things that inspire me.**

and then, just like that, i felt better. and then i walked back down the main street with a smile on my face, seeming to dare the people passing me to wonder what it was that i was smiling about.

belief

my oldest daughter believes if you get up early enough in the morning just before the sun comes up you can hear the rocks singing.

my youngest believes that it rains every night after we go to bed, the reason the ground is wet with dew.  

as if mother nature replenishes herself overnight.

i just want to believe that there is magic and wonder in the world again, just as they do.

Just Now 9.2.2010

current time: 9:11 p.m.

on my mind:  jumping back into the 100 things challenge.

in my belly: onion, swiss, asparagus quiche

in my ears: "Runaway Car" by Mat Kearney

in the fridge: almost nothing, make the rounds tomorrow.

on the editor: a photo of  a key.

last watched: "Down In The Valley", what can I say, single gal loves Edward Norton.

feeling good about:  a three day weekend.

feeling bummed about: the amount of work I have to do around the house this weekend.

last thing that made me laugh: not buying milk from the local dairy this past weekend and having Karelyn tell me that the milk I gave her from the grocery tastes "stale".

made me pause: having to list today two people i admire, and what i admire about them.

growing

I enrolled myself and started Mondo Beyondo this month.  If you don't know about Mondo Beyondo than you can read about it here.  Basically it is about taking your dreams and writing them down and seeing where the universe takes you no matter how crazy and far out those dreams are.  It's funny because one of my dreams over the last few years has been to sit in on Mondo Beyondo and from what I've seen these last few days it's going to be a very inspiring five weeks.  I don't think the mornings could be any better outside of Jen Lemen herself waking me up with a cup of tea and a note each day. Visit her, she's so inspiring....

I don't think I've written this much in ages and I have so much I want to say, but I'll end it here for now.  I feel I've been a bit all over the place lately.  Comes with the territory I suppose.